Okay Mr. President the party’s over. Hope you enjoyed yourself yesterday and you were able to get some sleep last night after all those parties and balls. Mr. President, I understand that you have many challenges ahead of you, but you must use all your power and influence to address the most important problems facing the golfers of this nation today. You must pass The Golfers Bill of Rights!
We have suffered too much. We have labored too hard. We have waited too long. We need you to rid us of the problems and difficulties that we face each time we play and watch this game we love. Pass the Golfer’s Bill of Rights!
- Outlaw five hour rounds. Any golfer that takes five hours to play eighteen holes of golf should be banned from the links. If you can’t get around in four hours go play checkers.
- Ban the $200 plus greens fee. Pebble Beach, Whistling Straights, Pinehurst #2 all the great old courses and new high end courses are intent on grabbing as many bucks as they can from the working man.
- Make the television networks that broadcast golf, show golf shots. We are tuning in to see the players play, not the talking heads talk. They can talk while we are watching golf shots.
- Make Nick Faldo shut up until Paul Azinger gets back in the booth with him. The Nick and Kelly pairing is stale and Nick is showing signs of that butt kicking that Zinger laid on him.
- Appoint European Tour announcer, Renton Laidlaw as Commander of the Television Broadcasters. Make each announcer copy his humor and eloquence.
- Give women longer to play the course. Any manager, starter or ranger that thinks women don’t need more time to play is crazy. They do! So, it is simple. Give them more time between tee times.
- Make Golf Etiquette Education mandatory for all golfers. Even the experienced golfers need a refresher course. Please play ready golf. If you hit it in the woods don’t take forever to drop one. Rake the bunkers. Forget the plumb bob, just putt. Replace your divots and repair your ball marks. Leave the course in better shape than you found it.
- Ban Jerks/Knuckleheads/Morons from the course. It is easy. All the “know it alls”, the “I played them all,” the wannabe pro, the drunk, the screamer and most of all the cheater.
- Legislate that Phil and Tiger must play the first two rounds of every tournament together. If they happen to play together on Saturday and Sunday, that’s great too.
- Fix the Fed Ex Cup. The heck with the BCS. The Fed Ex Cup is in worse shape. If the tour insists on a Nascar like championship then they should get it right.