Holiday Cheer to All!
As Andy Williams sings, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” and we here at Links Life Golf are full of joy and maybe a little too full of holiday spirits. After consulting with our holiday advisers, Jose Cuervo and Captain Morgan, we present to you a compilation of potential “Tiger Girls.” Who knows what the final number of conquests will be when it all plays out and Tiger has sent his last hush money payout. Here is a list of candidates for Tiger, so he could broaden (literally) his collection beyond waitresses, porn stars and hookers. We’ve also come up with a few that are guaranteed locks never to appear on any “I Did Tiger” list.
Warning: If you can’t handle any more laughs at Tiger’s expense skip it and move on to TMZ so you can see the latest pictures of Rachel Uchitel strolling on the beach looking for Tiger’s yacht.
Chics we’d like to see on Tiger’s list (or at least give them a chance Tiger):
Madonna: How did Tiger ever miss her? She had more jocks than the locker room attendant at Giants Stadium. With her workout regimen the two would be a perfect match.
Kathy Griffin: She has some qualities Tiger likes: plastic surgeons have spent plenty of time on her and she already has her own reality TV show. Forget those cell phone pictures and phone messages, Kathy would have the whole deal on tape and cued up for her next show.
Mimi: You remember her, she’s that hefty, heavy made up secretary on the old “Drew Carey Show.” Tiger likes buxom women and she fits the bill, plus she’s got a little more meat on her bones. Time to try some all natural meat Tiger and get off that surgically enhanced stuff.
Tyra Banks: Come on Tiger; give a woman of color a chance. Tyra has curves in all the right places and knows the pressures of celebrity well. She thinks she’s the biggest one out there! Tiger has got to expand his palate and get off a diet of all white meat.
Sarah Palin: It’s time to get active in politics. Sarah likes to think she is the future of the Republican Party (God help us) and is crisscrossing the country promoting her book. It could be an easy hook up in Vegas: no one ever rats Tiger out there and Palin would never be recognized in Vegas.
Martha Stewart: If Tiger continues to stay secluded, he’ll have to have his needs fulfilled at some point. Martha could whip up a few special meals for Woods; we know he has a healthy appetite. At the same time Martha could satisfy his other appetite, after all, Tiger likes a little Cougar every now and then.
Amy Winehouse: Tiger has shown his preference for skanks and who is the queen of skanks? It has to be Winehouse. Picture it: the two of them passed out, hammered, after a night or two of fun together. Yeech!
Chics guaranteed not to be on Tiger’s list:
Ellen DeGeneres: She plays for the other team.
Mrs. Claus: Tiger has never been to the North Pole.
Mrs. Butterworth: Her sugar content is too high.
Aunt Jemima: She’s too hefty and until Tiger gives Tyra Banks a try, Auntie has no chance.